[Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 29, 2005)]
I like to wear this pass because it helps me know, when I am upside down. Hey, I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said, forget that, I’ll just get a tan instead. I saw a billboard, it said, estimated lotto jackpot 55 million. See I didn’t know that it was estimated, that would suck if you wanted to go, oh, we were off by two zeros.
We estimate that you are angry. I like rice, rice is great, when you are hungry, and you want 2,000 of something. I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers”, so I did, and it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were.
You guys are cool man, Canada is all right, I like the American-Canadian border, because if you are walking along the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can’t push you back right away, because first he has to go through customs. “What brings you to Canada?” (Inaudible) “When are you leaving?” “When I regain my equilibrium”.
I went to the doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck, do not go see Dr. Acula. Dr. Scholl makes foot products, and he is a doctor, so, he went to school for a long time, but it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable. That guy wasted lots of time at school, cause I’d a bought that (Inaudible) from a Mr. Scholl, maybe even a Señor Scholl.
I got a belt on that’s holding in my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt, I don’t know, what’s really happening down there. Who is the real hero? I walked by a dry cleaner at 3:00 AM, and the sign said, “Sorry we’re closed”. You don’t have to be sorry, it’s 3:00 AM, and you are a dry cleaner. It will be ridiculous for me to except you to be open. I’m not going to walk in at 10:00 AM and say, “Hey, man, I walked by 3:00, and you guys were closed, somebody owes me an apology”.
I called the hotel operator, she said, “How can I direct your call? well, you could say action, and I will begin to dial, then when I say goodbye, you can yell cut. And if you want you can wear a beret and knickers.
Is the hippopotamus, or hippopotamus or a really cool Opotamus? Hey man, if you are a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you had to have very good posture. You can’t be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump. I went to the store and bought eight apples, the clerk said, “You want me to put them on a bag?” I said, “Oh no man, I juggle”. But I can only juggle eight, if I’m ever here buying nine apples – bag them up.
I got a new CD, it’s in stores. And when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances. If nobody shows up, I just pretend like I am shopping. That’s how I shop. I sit behind a table with a pen. I hate to dream, dreaming takes energy, sleeping is supposed to be a relaxing affair. I lay down on the bed, it feels great, next thing you know I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
Hey, if you can’t sleep count sheep, don’t count endangered animals, you will run out. I ordered the club sandwich all the time, and I am not even a member man, I don’t know how I get away with it. I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread. So do I, well let’s form a club.
Okay, but we need more stipulations, yes, we do, instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Hell yeah, four triangles, and we’ll position them into a circle. And in the middle, we will dump chips or potato salad, cool, I can deal with that. Let me ask you a question, how you feel about frilly toothpicks? I am for them. Well, this club is formed then. I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say, you are home.
Some people think I’m high on stage, I would never get high before a show, because when I am high, I don’t want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don’t know, that does not sound comfortable. Like, when you’re high and a joke doesn’t work, it’s extra scary. It’s like, “Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered, and why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?” I like the way this is situated here, it seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, then said hey, let’s sit down.
